Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.