Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
some things should go without saying
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.