Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You Might Also Like
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Shower sex be like:
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
how much does a mortician urn in a year
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.