@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

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@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

@robdelaney

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

@HiddleDeeDee

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

@Mr_NotStupid

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

@Tbone7219

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

@Parkerlawyer

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

@SondraDeeMe

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids