“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
the last thing a carrot sees
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.