” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.