Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.