Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
He-man has a Masters degree
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat