“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Body by sandwich.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now