Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I’d love this…lol
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?