Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
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Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
had to share :’)
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
This meeting could have been a cake
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay