Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
fr
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date