Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
The French cow says MEUX…
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.