Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.