“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,