@merican_ninjy

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

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@Bob_Heller

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@lmegordon

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

@kevinthedad

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@MatCro

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back