“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Festive toon…
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?