Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
fly smarter, not harder
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical