Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar