“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead