@slimmy_shady
@OakHill_ – grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
You Might Also Like
@OakHill_ 
@mrt1m I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
@1Happytwit 6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
@Super_Cynthia In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
@Be___Dope Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
@aidanjsears INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
@bossy_bootz I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
@slackerjorge In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
@Book_Krazy Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
@bingowings14 For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.