Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD