Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

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[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend


Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up


“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)


I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.


me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a


TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left


Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.


I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.


The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.


“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.