@WrittenByHanna

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

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@13spencer

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@BuckyIsotope

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

@clichedout

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

@fro_vo

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

@Cuntypants

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

@WilliamRodgers

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@castawaykristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.