let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.