Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“HELP WITH CAT”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*limbos under the caution tape
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night