Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.