Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.