Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.