“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great