Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
#parenting
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs