You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years