Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids


What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?


Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.


“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”


Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great


Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.


shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years