Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
new career option?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.