Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
In space, no one can hear…
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.