Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
This hospital has everything
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Smells like a challenge to me