Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros