“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
