@fro_vo Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
@Tommytoughstuff “Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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@fro_vo 
@fillthevacuum *rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
@Love_bug1016 Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
@timdonakowski I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
@samalmightysam The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
@joshgondelman Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
@jctwritesstuff Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
@RobertManchild [company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
@HenpeckedHal For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
@HRTSMRT Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.