“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”