@Tommytoughstuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

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@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

@fillthevacuum

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

@samalmightysam

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

@joshgondelman

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

@RobertManchild

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

@HenpeckedHal

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

@HRTSMRT

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.