“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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The Last Dance just keeps getting better
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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*later*
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Octopus:
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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