let’s discuss
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better