let’s discuss
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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?