@zapmyass

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

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@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

@ColoradoUgly

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@garbagecoven

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

@einaregilsson

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

@ryan_rachryan80

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

@fullofmonsense

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did