Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me too
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Why is no one talking about this?!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.