Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*