Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Blew my mind.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.