Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
You Might Also Like
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Netflix and awkward silence?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.