Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
the council will decide your fate
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess