Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
You Might Also Like
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.