Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
(Gaming support cat.)
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
In banana years, I am bread.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
New Tinder profile.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.