@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

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@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

@jonnysun

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

@beccafacexo

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

@gf3

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@TeflonPawn

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

@noog

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

@JasonCarney31

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

@AngieDavisHaha

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.