“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I have written yet another poem about laundry