“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.


this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying


Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant


me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper


Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.


Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.


Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.


Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge


“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.


Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.