“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.