“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
what it’s like dating me:
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Day 2 of my diet
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.