“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters