Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
when there are deer in the woods
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
😏😏😏
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.