Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
When life hands you women, make women laid.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
he looks great for his age
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.