Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died