‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.