Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
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I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler